Monday, January 31, 2005

SC968 updates

It looks like the event first known as GodBlogCon has been renamed. It is now called "THE CHRISTIAN BLOGOSPHERE CONVENTION", which is a welcome change.

They recommended reading Hugh Hewitt's Blog book and the Orangejack Blogging University before the event.

Also, a tentative date has been set for the first week of October, and a list of seminars is beginning to form.

Instapundit loves Big Brother

I generally like the posts at Instapundit, but this steaming pile of commentary deserves ridicule. Consider the opposite:

I've never understood the romanticization of the Union. It has lasted far too long, it is horribly run and governed, but it accomplished its goal of crushing independence; trading one form of slavery for another. I imagine it would anger Mr. Reynolds to suggest that Abraham Lincoln, however personally admirable he might have been in some ways, bore huge responsibility for the tyranny of federalism -- if he had honored the idea of independence, the war probably would never have been started, leaving everyone (and especially the South) better off.

One suspects that for a certain sort of infantile mind, pro-Union statements provide the same sort of reassuring sense of conformity that fascism has provided. This, I guess, explains the weird strain of pro-Union sympathy that one finds among a certain segment of fascists. Or, of course, there's always narcissism as an explanation.

(DISCLAIMER: I am not in any way defending the idiocy of the author he is commenting about, or the confederacy, or slavery - merely pointing out the bias of the post.)

UPDATE: Sgt. Stryker also takes exception to those "infantile pro-Union" statements.

UPDATE 2: Instapundit still doesn't get it. It's about States' Rights. The Founding Fathers gave us the Declaration of... anyone? anyone? Bueller? Reynolds? the Declaration of INDEPENDENCE. Now class, did Lincoln allow the states to remain INDEPENDENT? anyone? anyone? Frye? The answer is No, he declared war on the INDEPENDENT states, and forced them into DEPENDENCE on a more totalitarian regime, which would lead to the federal income tax, the Social Security Ponzi scheme, and Roe v Wade.

(again, for the hyperbole-challenged among you, I'm overstating the case to make a point)

Sunday, January 30, 2005

rather helpful

Al-Jazeera produced an informative documentary to help first-time voters in Iraq, and invited Dan Rather to share his expertise in influencing elections.

Mr. Rather introduced his qualifications by saying "I dodged a lot of bullets in our most recent American elections. Although many of my colleagues didn't survive the onslaught, I came through smelling like Aunt Gertrude's roses." He reminds the voters that "although you have been waiting nearly five years for this opportunity, do not take time to double-check your registration. When you are ready, rush towards the polling place with myopic zeal." He then suggests that they "try to throw the ballot to the left" as they are exiting the polls.

Mr. Rather offers a last bit of advice, "Pretend you don't notice the snipers, even if they are wearing pajamas or riding a swift boat."

Saturday, January 29, 2005


It's really hilarious when a troll tries to insult your intelligence, but knows only one adjective out of the entire lexicon of English, which has four letters and starts with "f". What an doltish vapid fop.

go read...

Mish Mash's essay about Intelligent Design, which objectively clarifies the benefits of I.D. without muddying the waters with a creation vs. evolution debate.

(Then for some fun at Osama's expense, read the previous post.)

UPDATE: Blue Goldfish reports a different "philosophical framework for understanding the universe" that I had not heard of before. I don't know enough about the theory to recommend it, but it does look fascinating.

Friday, January 28, 2005

fussin' fossils

(please read the original here first)

Beware the Mammals:
A velociraptor reports about the feud between a brontosaurus and those pesky new mammals that are so popular.

In Panngeapolis, one Mr. Brontosaurus is warning the other old reptiles to watch out for mammals. Are they the wave of the future? He goes on to say "This is just the beginning. Although it challenges our walnut sized brains, we gargantuans need to pay attention to those hot fuzzy punks."

"Extreme rodents are so un-bird-hipped and self-cooling they can make fun of the herbivorous while skittering across those **** glaciers." he says about the mammals, who he sometimes refers to as "reliable egg-stealers", little realizing that raptors are far better trained in that practice.

So is this the future of reptile-mammal relations in 2000000005 BC and beyond? According to Mr. Bronto, yes, and not in a good way. He says all dinosaurs should try to keep up with the little furballs and step on them, if they can. "Herbivores are very naive," he says, "The speed and the intellect of the mice are increasing." He also claims that the mammals are dangerous because they do not attack their prey with the same mindless ferocity as a tyrannosaur, but with their alleged speed and cunning. He contends "the reptile kingdom is under assault, and may go the way of the - um, hmm - the primordial soup."

One pterosaur asserts that she "has yet to find anywhere in the reptile kingdom anyone who really has a claw on these rodents. We are dealing with a relatively new phenomenon."

GodBlogCon ideas

SC968 - the post heard round the Kingdom!

If you haven't heard about the GodBlogCon slated for October in Arizona, go see what all the hubbub is about. Then go over and read some pretty good ideas that Blue Goldfish has about the event.

(UPDATED p.s.: Thanks SC for honoring my policy of web anonymity.)

I wanna fly like a old coot

(here's the updated link - read the comments)

Dadgum whippersnappers don't even know who Steve Miller is? Next thing you'll say is you don't know Peter Frampton either... helloooo, "Frampton Comes Alive" ring any bells? Wild Cherry? Gino Vanelli? Argent?

Well back in my day, we didn't have no seedys or empty threes to listen to, they made us listen to 8-tracks and AM radio, and we were grateful. And no, AM does not mean in the morning. I had to walk eight miles uphill in the snow just to get to Sound Warehouse, and trade them two goats for a Thin Lizzy album.

Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.


excellent viewpoints

Where are the human shields when they are needed?

"Progressives must continually drive Leftward lest they cease to be Progressives and be absorbed into the status quo."

Thursday, January 27, 2005


hope it's true...

Headlines from the Future!

February's news from Iraq:

"Overcrowded polling places in Iraq cause voters to stand in line for hours"

"Kerry, Boxer, and Kennedy blame President Bush for ballot shortages"

"Iranians volunteer to help with recounts"


Reuters, AP, Al-Jazeera, you can mail me a check now...

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Blogdream 5

(edited for clarity, but not for content)

There is a theater has showed up in my dreams at least a dozen times, but to my knowledge does not exist in reality. It's rather large, with a slightly sloping floor, generally warm light colors, probably built in the late 60s. Two aisles run the length, extra room at the front and back, and one crossways aisle halfway down. Two doors at the back and one on the left side. Dusty pleated heavy cloth wall covering. Older style padded seats with the bottoms that bounce up when nobody's sitting in them. (In the first dream I can remember that was set there, I was waiting for a speech by Mikhail Gorbachev.)

In the dream, I'm sitting about a third of the way back in the middle back section near the left aisle. The lights are still up, and it's a long time until the next show. There's about 40 people sitting around, and two of them are seated one row back and a couple of seats over. Two young women, who I find are from some (unnamed) former Soviet Bloc country in eastern Europe. One of them reminds me of the younger woman on the space station in the movie 2001, and the other sort of looks like this photo of Risawn with the new haircut.

They strike up a conversation in English, which they speak fairly well but it's obviously not their first language. They ask several touristy questions about the town, state, and country, about other places I've lived, recommendations of other sights to see, etc. Eventually they steer the conversation to ask "What's this blog thing we've been hearing so much about?" As I explain the concept, they seem more and more interested, until they exclaim "We want one! Can you set it up for us? We can give you $1200!"

I agree to set one up, but did not want to take their money just for a few minutes of showing them how to use However, they pull out an odd looking purse, shove a wad of bills into my hands, and hurry out, saying they would meet me later in the lobby. Because other people are starting to look my way, I sit there for a couple of minutes and nonchalantly look around. In the back corner, there just happen to be some computer terminals sitting on tall wooden tables, and after a few minutes I walk over to them. They're about the quality you might find in an underfunded library - dusty 486s with a 13" monitor running Win3.1 - but just enough to log in and set up a blogger account.

After that, plus a little bit of surfing, I go out to meet the women in the lobby. It's sunset, and there's a golden glare from all the shiny surfaces in the room. They walk back in with someone, who they introduce to me as their "friend", exchanging surreptitious glances as they say that word. He launches into a spiel about how he is a native of Ghana, about his credentials in some international agency I've never heard of, and about what his authority is and what my legal responsibilities are, stemming from my acceptance of the terms of the contract, and payment for services... blah, blah, blah, he starts to sound like a MoveOn protestor yelling the text of a Nigerian email scam at me. The only point he makes clearly is that I am to relinquish ownership of any rights I have to the "Hatless in Hattiesburg" name.

I try to object to the few bits that I do understand, but he does not miss a beat. After a couple more minutes I realize that he is not really looking at me, but staring straight ahead, and not moving from where the women (who are no longer anywhere to be seen) placed him. I take two steps to his left - no reaction. Walk behind him - still yelling. Wave my hand in front of his face - no change. So I shrug, chuckle to myself, and walk out.

Just as I put my hand on the door handle, I take a look back. A six year old boy is walking around the lobby and looks up at the man(?) still yelling at nobody. The boy loudly asks his mom "What's that man doing?". His mom hurriedly pulls him back, protectively walks them both away, and whispers "Don't go up to strangers like that."

I leave, and begin to wonder if the $1200 is counterfeit.

color me relieved

We shouldn't let down our guard, but man says Boston attack plot was a hoax.

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Evangelical Outpost marvels at the blind faith of atheism.

hee hee

"Top Ten Reasons I Never Bathe" by Shanktified

GodBlogCon #1

GodBlogCon #1. The first convention for the Christian blogosphere, tentatively scheduled for October in Arizona. Be there or be... uh... just be there.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

suggestion to the unknown neighbor:

If you are incapable of controlling yourself from dumping your numerous liquor bottles on my property, you should consider an alcoholic rehabilitation program. Please realize that littering is an illegal act in this city, especially for repeat offenders. I fear that your wanton disregard for property rights may lead to unwanted civil and/or criminal litigation. You may wish to consider that other residents on this block could be armed, and might mistake you for a burglar as you cowardly carry your rattling bags down the street.

If for some unknown reason this petty vandalism is directed specifically at me, you can rest assured that I have no intention of staying at this location one minute longer than necessary. If this arrangement is unsuitable, please feel free to relocate yourself another place of residence, where your drunken antics might perhaps be less offensive.


From Yahoo News: Scientists Create Petrified Wood in Days.
Researchers at a national science laboratory in south-central Washington have found a way to achieve in days what takes Mother Nature millions of years — converting wood to mineral.
Or perhaps, it doesn't take "Mother Nature" that long either? (See also: Grand Canyon)
For instance, at the Ginkgo Petrified Forest... trees were believed to have been buried without oxygen beneath molten lava millions of years ago.
I thought science didn't require faith.

Easter Bunny, Mother Nature, Tooth Fairy, Evolution, Santa Claus...

Monday, January 24, 2005

From Diplomad

go read this.

and this.

p.s. is it pronounced 'DIP-low-mad' or 'di-PLO-mud'?

Election Fraud 2004

The Cassandra Page links to other pages discussing election fraud:

In Wisconsin
Tire-slashing in Milwaukee

Hugh Hewitt's claim that "If It's Not Close, They Can't Cheat" is incorrect. Cheating, lying, and stealing are the only tactics the Demoncrats use anymore.

UPDATE: Michelle Malkin has more links on this topic.

Image at Lileks

Today's Bleat includes this image advertising a play. In case it becomes inaccessible, it reads:

So they're finally producing a play about Slick Willie?

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Public TV

Do you remember way back when public television didn't show any commercials? Nowadays, although there are no commercial interruptions, commercials are being shown at the beginning and end of each show. Hopefully this means that they will stop giving us the double-whammy of stealing our tax money and begging for donations every other month.

...but don't hold your breath.

Friday, January 21, 2005

ABC ghouls

Where there is a corpse, the vultures will gather, but these days it's with a camera crew and satellite uplink.

I'm late with the link, but the story is still worth reading if you missed it.

Pop Quiz

A modified version of a pop quiz about recent news items - copied rather than linked, just in case it disappears...


In 1968, Robert Kennedy was assassinated by:
(a) Arlo Guthrie
(b) Tiny Tim
(c) Charles Manson
(d) A Muslim male extremist, between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1972, athletes at the Olympics in Munich were kidnapped and massacred by:
(a) Olga Korbut
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwarzenegger
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegian secretaries
(b) Elvis
(c) Dennis Hopper
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

During the 1980's, a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) Fletch
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A Domino's pizza delivery boy
(b) Pee Wee Herman
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) Geraldo Rivera
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked in Athens and a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Huey Lewis
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Chuck Yeager
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Q*Bert
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Jonas Salk
(c) The World Wrestling Federation
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 1999, The USS Cole was attacked and more than 15 American Sailors were killed by:
(a) David Letterman
(b) Shaquille O'Neil
(c) The Cookie Monster
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed and thousands of people were killed by:
(a) The Cleveland Browns
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 2001, Phillipine Missionaries Gracia and Martin Burnham were kidnapped, held for over a year, and Martin subsequently killed by:
(a) Sinead O'Connor
(b) Scooby Doo & Shaggy
(c) Ronald Reagan
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) killer bees
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonnie and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) The Maytag Repairman
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

On July 4th 2002, 2 innocent airline passengers were killed, and 3 others injured at the ticket counter of El Al Airlines in the LAX International terminal by:
(a) Ted Kennedy
(b) Monty Python's Flying Circus
(c) my half-brother Luigi
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

On October 12th 2002, more than 200 innocent civilians (including 200 Australians and 5 Americans) were brutally murdered by:
(a) Andrew Lloyd Weber
(b) Pikachu
(c) Jenna Elfman
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

On October 29th 2002, more than 700 Moscow theatre goers were taken hostage and threatened with execution by:
(a) Royal Canadian Mounted Police
(b) Ferris Bueller
(c) Phil Donahue
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41

In 2004, more than 300 children and adults were massacred at a school in Beslan by:
(a) Howard Stern
(b) Tony Danza
(c) Strong Bad & Marzipan
(d) Muslim male extremists, mostly between the ages of 17 and 41


If you had any answers besides (d), please choose one of the following excuses:
(a) I am from another solar system
(b) I am a Hollywood actor
(c) I just recovered from a 50-year coma
(d) I listen to MSM
(e) Dave's not here maaaan...
(f) I am a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 41, trying to shift blame


I was going to cook a chicken pot pie for lunch, but the directions on the front of the box say "Keep Frozen. Cook Thoroughly." What should I do?!?


"I'm kidding of course" - Robert Segner

State of Fear

Go read Michael Crichton Can't Say That, Can He? by Varifrank.

You can make a movie or have a TV show about lawyers, it happens all the time. You can generate thousands of miles of footage about the evil “military industrial complex”, you can have all priests portrayed as pederasts, all cops as crooks and all ex-military types are Nutcase-Rambo-Time-Bombs, but you cannot under any circumstances make fun of “Hollywood Actors” as they go about making the world safe for us common people to live in.

whose right to choose?

David Kupelian at WorldNetDaily wrote "How lying marketers sold
Roe v. Wade to America
". Read the whole thing.

In marketing wars, the party that frames the terms of the debate almost always wins. And the early abortion marketers brilliantly succeeded in doing exactly that – diverting attention away from the core issues of exactly what abortion does to both the unborn child and the mother, and focusing the debate instead on a newly created issue: "choice." No longer was the morality of killing the unborn at issue, but rather, "who decides."

"I remember laughing when we made those slogans up," recalls Bernard Nathanson, M.D., co-founder of pro-abortion vanguard group NARAL, reminiscing about the early days of the abortion-rights movement in the late '60s and early '70s. "We were looking for some sexy, catchy slogans to capture public opinion. They were very cynical slogans then, just as all of these slogans today are very, very cynical."

"Knowing that if a true poll were taken, we would be soundly defeated, we simply fabricated the results of fictional polls. We announced to the media that we had taken polls and that 60 percent of Americans were in favor of permissive abortion. This is the tactic of the self-fulfilling lie. Few people care to be in the minority... The actual figure was approaching 100,000, but the figure we gave to the media repeatedly was 1 million.

"Repeating the big lie often enough convinces the public. The number of women dying from illegal abortions was around 200-250 annually. The figure we constantly fed to the media was 10,000. These false figures took root in the consciousness of Americans, convincing many that we needed to crack the abortion law."

2005: another IMDB oddity

A while back I wrote this (long-ish, for me) post about AI mistakes, which noted IMDB's odd movie recommendation for Night Train to Munich. Well, it's happened again. Viewing the page for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, for no apparent reason IMDB recommends Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill.

At least they're both comedies this time...

Is it just a default setting, or does IMDB have some financial interest in promoting Mr. Izzard?

Thursday, January 20, 2005

It's not even junk science...

Non-news via the BBC: January 24 has been pinpointed as the worst day of the year. The (alleged) formula is:
1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA

W: Weather
D: Debt
d: Money due in January pay
T: Time since Christmas
Q: Time since failed quit attempt
M: General motivational levels
NA: The need to take action

So many errors...
  1. "Weather", "motivational levels", and "need to take action" can not be reduced to a single number.
  2. No units are mentioned.
  3. The formula makes no sense mathematically.
...and those are just the most obvious problems.

The article goes on to say:

Foul weather, debt, fading Christmas memories, failed resolutions and a lack of motivation conspire to depress, Cliff Arnalls found... Yes, we do see lots of people with depression and anxiety in the winter months.

Granted, depression is a problem, and those are contributing factors, but we already knew this. Must we really keep researching the obvious? Maybe I could get a grant to research whether or not the ocean is wet.
Exercise and bibliotherapy - reading a number of books to allow people to understand their own symptoms and how to control them.

And by sheer coincidence, you just happen to have some books for sale, don't you?

The reader comment by Adam Thorn, Cambridge, England sums it up nicely though:
This is the biggest waste of mathematics I have ever had the misfortune to read, and is an embarrassment to anyone who is a member of a British university.


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Objective Journalism

The New York Times is run by the Zombie Leprechaun Enclave! I have unimpeachable sources.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

As an uncle...

I totally agree with Lileks about Bratz dollz:
I cannot tell you how much I despise Bratz. Granted, I'm not the target market. They're aimed at tween girls who naturally gravitate toward grown-up things, like emulating the fashion sense of coke-addled trust-fund heiresses.

Bratz have exaggerated facial features, come-hither eyes, and lips that look as if they are attempting to throw up an exploded airbag... They have "a passion for fashion," which in this sense is defined as bling-spattered hoochie-suits you'd never see anyone wear on the street unless they were walking back and forth on a corner, waving at cars...

If you're listening, O Shapers of Popular Culture: Can we have perhaps a few years of merry innocence before the toy and clothing industry makes little girls feel like they must walk around bowlegged in Hello Kitty thongs?
(found at this subcription required strib link).

good quote

PseudoPolymath has a post of thoughts about judging whether or not a war is 'just', which included this quote:
While I may turn my "other cheek" it is a different thing entirely to turn my child's cheek.


The curtains
---are seldom open,
and the black dog
---circles the room.
But the skylights
---are less dusty now,
and that helps
---to silence the drumming
------of the cave trolls.

Monday, January 17, 2005

at the museum...

We were at the Dallas Museum of Art last Saturday. They do have quite a variety in their collections, including ancient Egyptian and Greek, Asian and African, Byzantine, Renaissance, etc. But the 'front and center' exhibit on the main floor was modern art. Some modern art is good, but a lot is bad, and a piece's artistic merit should be judged completely separate from its content. (Artists who use their work just to make a socio-political statement are usually trying to cover up their poor design skills.)

The first display was made up of mirrors set in dirt and rocks. A rectangular box of mirrors set on the floor, propped vertically in piles of red rocks. Nine piles of gray dirt with mirrors supported horizontally between their peaks. A long row of dirt with about a dozen mirrors set vertically along the length. A few more variations on that theme. And the doodles... er, "design plans" for them, whose drawing quality could easily be surpassed by most junior high schoolers.

Then there were some stacks of glass, which made interesting light patterns - similar to those found in any stack of glass panes at a Home Depot. Then, little collages of cut-up maps with doodles. And so on. Towards the end of this celebrated mediocrity, I remembered an Ayn Rand-ian line from 'The Incredibles', and thought of an apt adaptation of it for that context:

"If everything is Art, then nothing is Art"

You'll never guess

Pop quiz: How many temperature scales are there?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

A Question of Faith

Which takes more faith - seeing an image of Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich, or seeing signs of evolution in the design of the human body?

Friday, January 14, 2005

If there is a disaster,

...the UN is surely around. Written by Ůmläut Ťïldëqvist.

ACLU and Teachers Against Critical Thinking

The ACLU won a court battle to have some stickers removed from science textbooks in Georgia, which read:
This textbook contains material on evolution. Evolution is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of living things. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered.

The reason they are enraged is because someone might dare to have an open mind and think critically, because ACLU power is based on ignorance, hatred, intolerance, and bigotry. Perish the thought that they would ever fight for America or Liberty.

UPDATE: See also Scrappleface's take on this story.

UPDATE 2: Even Berkeley admits evolution is just a theory!

UPDATE 3: Dr. John Mark Reynolds states the case more clearly, and expands on it.

Pro Sports

From the Boston Herald: MLB puts muscle in new steroid policy.

and in related news...

After years of looking the other way, NASCAR finally took action to combat the epidemic that has tarnished stock car racing and implemented a testing program that it believes will eliminate the unfair advantages garnered by a growing number of mechanically enhanced cars.

go read...

Consider the sources...

More MSM analysis

Rathergate Quiz

Bank Service

forwarded humor:


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I notice that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letter, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank, whom you must nominate. Be aware, that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs into eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which, he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret it, that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits, but again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

  1. To make an appointment to see me.
  2. To query a missing payment.
  3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
  4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
  5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
  6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
  7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
  8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
  9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of the new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year!

Your Humble Client.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Protestors arrested in Philadelphia

The story is at Evangelical Underground.

Reminds me of Acts 4:18-20
Then (the Sanhedrin) called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. But Peter and John replied, “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.”

birthday this month

...where I'm again reminded of Genesis 2:18 and Proverbs 31:10-31, sigh...

linklist update

1) Duckwriter has been added.

2) Does anyone know if/when True Blue Gal is moving to her new site? I lost the old link.

Kmart blue-state special

Attention, close-minded bigoted liberal hypocrites:

Attention, blue-state parents. Are you worried about what your children are seeing on TV? Have you caught them ogling Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity as they engage in explicit acts of love with Bush administration policies? Now you can protect your little liberals from hard-core right-wing positions the same way you censor cable porn. For just $8.95, The FOXBlocker eliminates the risk of exposure to Fox News Channel.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Duckwriter makes some bad assumptions:
I think bloggers should have the same kind of code (of ethics). I see no reason why we can't get together and form a society in which a code (unique to blogging) can be agreed upon... If blogging really is going to become a new medium, rather than simply a loose confederation of ideologues -- and if we wish to be viewed as a viable alternative to the mainstream media -- then we are going to have to start doing the actual work of journalism, rather than being content to throw spitballs at the MSM when they screw up.

(I've posted on this before)
  1. I see lots of reasons bloggers (c/w)ouldn't agree on a code.
  2. Journalists already had a code, which was just about as effective as a UN resolution.
  3. Who will enforce these rules - thought police?
  4. I have less than zero interest in joining a society.
  5. Who says blogging has to become a new medium?
  6. I care nothing about being part of a new media. (Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.)
  7. I don't need another job that doesn't pay.
  8. It's called freedom of speech - look it up.
You can take my blog when you pry it from my fact-checkin', pajama-wearin', cold dead cheetos-stained fingers.

UPDATE: Duckwriter responded, and I commented there. Also, his observations about the lameness of the CBS investigation and the Washington re-re-recounts are spot-on.

Mapes still doesn't get it

Here's what she said, and here are some "inaccurate but true" quotes to parallel hers:

"I am shocked by the vitriolic Bush-bashing inherent to CBS's reporting. I am very concerned that their reports are motivated by anti-American political considerations -- ideology rather than journalism."

"Ms. Mapes’s response to the review panel’s report and the panel’s assessment of the evidence it developed in its investigation combine not only to condemn herself, but to put all investigative reporting in the CBS tradition under suspicion."

"Much has been made about the fact that these documents are photocopies and therefore cannot be trusted, but decades of their "investigative" reporting have relied on just such fraudulent memos, documents and notes."

Monday, January 10, 2005

he's just sayin...

here's a new dispatch from the 'ministry of humor'


varifrank was unprofessional

this smackdown has some profanity, but it is entirely appropriate.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


Will we see Abu-Ghraib-level coverage of this scandal? How about protestors chanting "No Eggs For Sex!" We should, but we won't...

RWD's list

Right Wing Duck is an awesome writer. Him use grammer; and corect speling - and do reel research. It’s the kind of writing I would aspire to if'n I had any mad skillz.

But I feel I can offer an observation - one that can only come from a parodist. I feel that deep down inside, Right Wing Duck is jealous of the Hatless team. In fact, I strongly suspect that Mr. Duck secretly longs to throw away his hat and move to Hattiesburg. But having no map, he always gets lost, realizing too late that he should have used more left rudder over the Albuquerque airport.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

How To Make A Zombie

1) Find out the hours at which your employee is most productive and most suited to work.

2) Make his work schedule diametrically opposed to those hours - i.e. substitute AM for PM, and vice versa.

3) Ignore any complaints he may raise, but reprimand him for showing zombielike symptoms.

4) Continue for two years.

works for me!

Sig Heil, Abdul

Check out these thugs.

UPDATE: Here's a suitable logo for the aforementioned thugs. It's in a scrolling banner for "martyrdom assistance", so it can't be linked directly, and might not be there later.

...if he only had a heart

Go read the latest installment in the ongoing saga, "Mikey Moore's a Moron".

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I'ma gonna SUE!

Mark Steyn used two offensive words in this article. I demand that he cease and desist from referring to other religious holidays. "Boxing Day" is a highly offensive term to other sorts of containers, and "Ramadan" (and its cousin "Kwanzaa") are highly offensive terms to the heathen-impaired.

:P ;)

go read...

This one by Mark Steyn, who asks "What's it all about, Algae?"

and these two at Townhall:

"Are we a republic or a democracy?" by Walter E. Williams

"Resolutions" by Chuck Colson

Eradicate Intolerance!

John Leo wrote this piece about Wesleyan College, where diversity is so great that "you can meet people here from almost every neighborhood in Manhattan, and the students tend to have opinions from every known corner of"

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

An Awkward Pause

My friends and I used to comment to each other when we noticed a sentence that we thought had never been uttered before on the planet. The Awkward Pause's "History of Shingles, Part 2" contains one of those sentences:
I can only shudder to think how the good residents of Brentwood, Chelmsford and Witham are coping with no review of Prince of Persia: The Warrior Within and just a long, drawn out report of some fool from Ingatestone who has made an exceptionally large cheese flan.

Read the whole thing - the rest of that story (and several other posts) struck me as funny. I hope that is the way they were intended...

yo, richie...

“Hi, I’m Hatless in Hattiesburg and I’m speaking for the entire world. We’re against you Hollyweird limousine liberals since the last election. It’s really important: SHUT THE $*%&# $^&% UP, RICHARD, AND THE REST OF YOU #*$%& *&$^%&* MORONS!!!!!!”

Monday, January 03, 2005

tsunami tragedy

Hugh Hewitt has some links to theological discussions of the tsunami tragedy:

who's stingy?

It's not the primary point of Mark Steyn's article about European holidays, but this quote leapt out at me:
...though the Europeans preen about their kinder, gentler society, customers of have pledged more money to disaster relief in the Indian Ocean than the French government.

achievable goal

my new year's resolution is 1600x1200