1) As soon as you dial the number, the phone will make a sound that indicates that the potential customer's phone is ringing. When this sound stops, and you hear the sound of human speech, it is the beginning of the conversation!
1a) Promptly greet the potential customer in a friendly manner.
1b) Do not continue chatting with co-workers, chewing gum, playing freecell, or doing any activity that would detract you from the task at hand.
2a) If the potential customer is male, do not address him as "Mrs." or "Miss".
2b) Likewise, if the potential customer is female, do not address her as "Mr." or "Dude!".
2c) If you are uncertain of the potential customer's gender, avoid making gender assumptions. A mistaken assuption may be considered offensive to the potential customer, even in San Francisco!
3) Once the caller has verified his or her identity, do not ask them to re-verify his or her identity, as this might give them cause to doubt your attentiveness and/or competence.
4) During the conversation, please refrain from eating or drinking anything, as it detracts from your ability to perform your assigned task.
5) Do not ever insult the intelligence of the potential customer, especially if you have not adhered to the rules described in the previous steps. Under no circumstances say, for example, "Are you following me?". Any potential customer who can understand you will not need such prompting, and if you cannot be understood, it is unlikely that the potential customer will trust you with any amount of their hard-earned money.
6) If many potential customers often ask you to repeat yourself, or keep saying "What?" or "Huh?", this is an indication that they are having trouble understanding you. On rare occasions, this may be due to technical issues, so you should request that qualified personnel examine your phone. Take that downtime as an opportunity to compare your accent to the accents of the potential customers who have given you this valuable feedback. If there are consistently large discrepancies between these accents, consider taking lessons in speaking the dialect of your potential customers, or in pursuing a different career path either inside or outside of our company.
7) WARNING! Some potential customers may abruptly suggest that you perform certain disrputive, destructive, or physically impossible acts upon yourself.
7a) You are allowed to ignore the request and terminate the phone call immediately.
7b) If you like, you may privately wish that potential customer to perform that particular act upon themselves.
7c) However, you are not allowed to communicate that wish to them.
8) At some point during the conversation you may hear a steady buzzing sound. This sound indicates that the conversation has stopped. On rare occasions, this might be due to equipment problems, but it is most likely that the potential customer is simply disinterested in our company's product.
8a) If such a stoppage occurs, simply hang up the phone and dial the next number on your list.
8b) Do not call that potential customer again, either immediately or at any time in the future.
8c) Research has shown that potential customers rarely change their mind about our product after such a stoppage occurs; if called repeatedly, they often become hostile, and may even threaten legal action! Our company wishes to avoid such problems.
8d) Consider these stoppages as positive feedback from the former potential customer, and as their way of speeding you along towards your next sale.
8e) Expect lots of this type of positive feedback.