Saturday, September 03, 2005

Roberts' Confirmation Hearing

With an insincere apology to Monty Python, here's a possible transcript of how John Roberts' Supreme Court confirmation hearing could go:


John Roberts: Tr'bl at S'preme Cort!

Barbara Boxer: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Roberts: Ole O'Connor she gone un retire frm Sprimcort.

Boxer: Pardon?

Roberts: Ole O'Connor she gone un retire frm Sprimcort.

Boxer: I don't understand what you're saying.

Roberts: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) Sandra Day O'Connor has gone and retired from the Supreme Court.

Boxer: Well what on earth does that mean?

Roberts: *I* don't know! Mr Bush just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the Supreme Court, that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Democratic Inquisition.

(The senators enter)

Ted Kennedy: EVERYBODY expects the Democratic Inquisition! Our chief weapon is whining ... whining and fear ... fear and whining ... Our two weapons are fear and whining, and ruthless demagoguery ... Our *three* weapons are fear, whining, and ruthless demagoguery ... and an almost fanatical devotion to Karl Marx ... Our *four* ... (hic) ... *Amongst* our weapons ... Amongst our weaponry ... are such elements as fear, whining ... (hic) I'll come in again.

Roberts: I didn't expect a kind of Democratic Inquisition.

(The senators enter)

Kennedy: EVERYBODY expects the Democratic Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, whining, ruthless demagoguery, an almost fanatical devotion to Karl Marx, and racism... %@$! (to Senator Durbin) I can't say it, you'll have to say it.

Durbin: What?

Kennedy: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'

Durbin: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...

(Kennedy bundles the senators outside again)

Roberts: I didn't expect a kind of Democratic Inquisition.

(The senators enter)

Durbin: Er... Everybody... um....

Kennedy: Expects...

Durbin: Expects... Everybody expects the... um... the Democratic... um...

Kennedy: Inquisition.

Durbin: I know, I know! Everybody expects the Democratic Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect...

Kennedy: Our chief weapons are...

Durbin: Our chief weapons are... um... er...

Kennedy: Whining...

Durbin: Whining and...

Kennedy: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there, stop there. Stop. (hic)... our chief weapons are whining... blah blah blah. Senator, read the charges.

Feinstein: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit constitutionalism against the holy ACLU.

Durbin: That's enough. (to Roberts) Now, how do you plead?

Roberts: I'm innocent.

Kennedy: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Durbin: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Kennedy: Fear, whining, and a most ruthless... (controls himself) Ooooh! Now, Senator... the rack!

(Durbin produces a plastic dish-drying rack. Kennedy looks at it, clenches his teeth, and hiccups)

Kennedy: You... Right! Tie him down.

(Feinstein and Durbin make a pathetic attempt to tie Roberts on to the drying rack)

Kennedy: Right! How do you plead?

Roberts: Innocent.

Kennedy: Ha! Right! Senator, give the rack (hic) give the rack a turn.

(Durbin stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Durbin: I...

Kennedy (gritting his teeth): I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Durbin: I...

Kennedy: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Durbin: Shall I?

Kennedy: No, just pretend for Moore's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Durbin turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)

Kennedy: Now, young man, you are accused of heresy on three counts: constitutionalism by thought, constitutionalism by word, constitutionalism by deed, and constitutionalism by action... *four* counts. Do you confess?

Roberts: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Kennedy: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Durbin! Fetch...THE BLOVIATIONS!

(Durbin lines up Boxer, Feinstein, Byrd, and Reid at the microphone)

Durbin: Here they are, Ted.

Kennedy: Now, young man, you have one last chance. (hic) Confess the heinous sin of constitutionalism, reject the works of the founders... *two* last chances. And you shall be free... *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Roberts: I don't know what you're talking about.

Kennedy: Right! If that's the way you want it... Senator! Annoy him with the inane bloviations!

(The other senators waste everyone's time with their rather pathetic speeches)

Kennedy: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Durbin: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, Ted.

Kennedy: Have you got all the hyperbole up one end?

Durbin: Yes, Ted.

Kennedy (signals the other senators to quit speaking): Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Senator Durbin! Fetch...THE DELTA 88!

(Zoom into Feinstein's horrified face)

Feinstein (terrified): The... Delta 88?

(Durbin drives in a Oldsmobile Delta 88)

Kennedy: So you think you are strong because you can survive the inane bloviations. Well, we shall see. (hic) Durbin! Put him in the Delta 88!

(They roughly push him into the Delta 88)

Kennedy (with a cruel leer): Now, you will stay in the Delta 88 until tomorrow, at the bottom of the river (hic) with only a small pocket of air. (aside, to Durbin) Is that really all it is?

Durbin: Yes, Ted.

Kennedy: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

Durbin: I confess!

Kennedy: Not you!

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