yeah, me too

kristi in idaho needs a bailout:

Top Ten Reasons I Demand the American Taxpayer to Pay My Student Loans On My Behalf Even Though I Don’t Have A Real Job and Spend My Days Drinking Diet Dr. Pepper and Writing Top Ten Lists on the Internet

1. It’s not my fault I went to college. Everyone made me go. No one told me it would be expensive. I thought I was signing the paperwork on my cafeteria lunch plan, not loan papers.


2. It’s not my fault I didn’t get a really great executive type job straight out of college, or that I choose not to work now, and that I am therefore incapable or unwilling to pay my loans. How was I to know that a degree in history would not lend itself to great riches? Or that a minor in English is not a veritable goldmine? Nobody told me. I am guiltless.


3. I’ve got potential to be awesome. 'Potential to be awesome' is the new criteria for 'sound investment decision.' SO PAY MY LOANS ALREADY!!!


4. I shouldn’t be made to sing like Annie. Here’s the scenario: My husband gets tired of my oreo-eating, internet-watching days. He quote wises up end quote. He leaves me and my sad little ragamuffin children. My kids become Dickensian waifs who have to beg on the streets and I go to debtor’s prison where I am heartily befriended by all the other lady debtors on account of my short stature and cute freckles. They call me ‘Wendy,’ like the hamburger girl and make me sing ‘Tomorrow’ from Annie. Everyday. I hate you for not paying my student loans for me.



5. WHAT’S THAT THING OVER THERE????? (swipes wallet)


6. And then there’s Africa. I know that in a perfectly just and reasonable world, a person like me would be responsible for my own semi-retarded financial decisions. But since there are children starving in Africa things aren’t fair, are they? Pay my loans!!!


7. There are two kinds of people in the universe: a. people who are exempt from all the laws of the federal and state governments, and also from the stupid laws perpetrated by the SEC, as well as unspoken laws of decency and good taste and b. everyone else. I’m in category a. on account of my track record of breaking laws of federal and state governments, as well as my track record of embezzling and insider trading and massive fraud-doing. Me being in category a. and you being in category b. defines our relationship in a way that includes you sending me your credit card numbers so that I may pay off my student loans.


8. Speaking with this obnoxiously aggressive tone really just reiterates the desperation of the situation, not how wrong I am. I am absolutely *indignant* that you are questioning my moral authority and need for your loan payments. How dare you. People are going to LOSE THEIR HOUSES AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT!!! HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT????????


9. Your own student loan debts are irrelevant to the situation. This is not about you. Stop being selfish.


10. It is not a problem that you don’t have the money to pay off my loans. Is that all you’re worried about? That you don’t have the money? Don’t be an awfully ridiculous person with pithy and ridiculous concerns. You have a couple of options.
1. Option one: You get some green construction paper and a marker. You draw a head with a wig, a pyramid, a ‘ONE DOLLAR,’ and some other mystical squiggles on it. You do this several thousand times. Then you give me all of your ‘dollars’ and I take care of the student loan debt.
2. Option two: You don’t actually make the dollars, but tell me that you did and promise that they are on the way. I’ll let my lenders know that the dollars will be there eventually, and in the meantime I borrow some more dollars because I would really love a vacation and also a sailboat. This new debt is also your responsibility, by the way.
3. Option three: My personal favorite. You tell me you don’t have the money. I say, “That’s ok. I’m going to provide funding that will create jobs out of thin air, like magic. You will be able to get one of these magical jobs, then you will be able to use the money to pay off my debt.” Problem solved.

It’s all so easy and understandable, isn’t it? Of course it is. Now is the time where you send me your money and I comfort you with meaningless promises that will not actually provide comfort, or logic, for that matter. It is also the time when you might want to consider investing in precious metals, a foreign currency or whatever it is people invest in during economic depressions. I heard bow-tie and suspender manufacturers did great the last time around.

(slightly edited)