More from the archives. I felt a little queasy while editing this one:
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Manifesto of the Modern Liberal:
1) We believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
2) We are against capital punishment, but for abortion on demand, i.e. protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
3) We believe that public school teachers who can't teach elementary students how to read are qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
4) We believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
5) We believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear missiles in the hands of the Red Chinese.
6) We believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the sun, and more affected by SUVs (except for the ones we own).
7) We believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
8) We believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9) We believe that hunters don't care about nature, but animal rights activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
10) We believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11) We believe there was no art before federal funding.
12) We believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
13) We believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
14) We believe the NRA is bad because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution.
15) We believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
16) We believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Robert E. Lee, Thomas Edison, or indeed any white male.
17) We believe that standardized tests are racist, but affirmative action and racial quotas aren't.
18) We believe that secondhand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
19) We believe that conservatives are racists, but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
21) We believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because we were not in charge.
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