This article was so bizarre, it required little editing to produce a 'Scrapplefaced' version:
---
Vegetable-rights activists have launched a novel campaign arguing that vegetables -- contrary to stereotype -- are intelligent, sensitive entities no more deserving of being eaten than fish. Called the 'Think Vegetatively' Project, the campaign reflects a strategy shift by People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables as it challenges a diet component widely viewed as nutritious and uncontroversial.
"No one would ever pull a fish out of the ground and eat it." said PETV's Fred Fennel. "Once people start to understand that vegetables are just as intelligent as we are, they'll stop eating them."
The grass roots campaign is still in the germination stage and will face broad skepticism. Major groups such as the American Heart Association recommend vegetables as part of a healthy diet; some academics say it is wrong to portray the intelligence and pain sensitivity of vegetables as comparable to fish. "Vegetables are very complex organisms that do all sorts of amazing things," said University of Seattle scientist Rose Jimson. "But to suggest they know they what's happening to them and worry about it, that's just not the case."
PETV, headquartered in Greenleaf, CA., has campaigned for years against gardening, challenging claims by Jimson and others that harvested vegetables do not feel pain. PETV also has joined other critics in decrying the high levels of manure the vegetables are subjected to on farms.
The 'Think Vegetatively' Project is a departure in two respects -- attempting to depict the standard practices of commercial farming as cruel and seeking to convince consumers that there are ethical reasons for not eating vegetables. The project was inspired by several recent scientific studies, which discovered that certain vegetables' intelligence actually exceeded that of the researchers.
"Vegetables are so misunderstood because they grow in such foreign lands, like Nebraska," said Robin Carrotson. "They're such interesting, fascinating individuals, yet they're so incredibly abused."
"Most people dismiss vegetables as dimwits... Yet this is a great fallacy," wrote University of Edinburgh biologist Kale Green. "In many areas, such as memory, their cognitive powers match or exceed those of 'higher' vertebrates, including activists and protestors."
"There's no doubt that vegetables of all shapes and forms are capable of learning fairly complex tasks," Green said. "They can learn from their environment and experience." Oxford University researcher Rudy Baga de Treesa, for example, reported that the Chilean cave beet is able to draw detailed mental maps of its surroundings in Photoshop and post them on the internet.
To press their argument, PETV activists plan demonstrations starting next month at selected vegan restaurants nationwide. PETV also will urge changes in commercial farming practices, for example proposing that tractor drivers perform show tunes for the vegetables before uprooting them.
National Farm Institute president John Redcorn says "It's irresponsible to discourage people from eating vegetables at a time when doctors and dietitians advise eating them twice a day. If anything, we should be eating more vegetables."
Fennel questioned why there is popular support for sparing the cute vegetables -- such as tomatoes and celery -- yet minimal concern for species like artichokes, "whose suffering should warrant felony vegetable cruelty charges."
He also acknowledges the difficulty of changing long-held customs, but thinks his project is worthwhile. "We'd rather go too far than not far enough," he said.
Her voice quivering with emotion, Robin Carrotson exclaimed, "Won't someone PLEASE think of the cabbage!"
---
See also: Carrot Juice Is Murder
No comments:
Post a Comment