Attributed to Jay Leno:
"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him."
"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there."
"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq."
"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating."
"Well, the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from The Munsters."
"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them."
"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $800 million with two words: 'I do.'"
"Today, John Kerry announced a foolproof plan to wipe out the $500 Billion deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's GoldCard."
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