Tuesday, September 20, 2011

blues how-to

this guy, well this guy ain't followin' rulez,
i said
this guy, now this guy ain't followin' rulez.
he say
"spendin' money on a geetar? aw, that's a game for foolz!"


Various versions of this list have been on the internet for many years,

1. 82% of Blues songs begin with the words "Woke up this morning..."

2. The next most popular first line in a Blues song is about the singer's spouse or girl/boyfriend, like
"Well I got me a woman..."
3. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like
"I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
4. Writing a complete Blues verse is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then write another line that follows and almost rhymes:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. She look like Janet Reno, and she weigh 800 pound."
5. The Blues is not about choice. If you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain't no way out.

6. The only cars that may be in the Blues are American-made: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other forms of Blues transportation are Greyhound bus or a southbound train. The Blues do not travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.

7. "Fixin' to die" also plays a major part in the Blues, therefore only adults may sing the Blues. In the Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. Teenagers can not sing the Blues - they ain't fixin' to die yet.

8. Great places to have the Blues include Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. The Blues can also take place in Texas, the Deep South, and occasionally in New York City. The Blues may not be set in Hawaii, Canada, Scotland, or Estonia. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall - first off, the lighting is wrong. If your means of travel is restricted, at least go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. on a highway
b. in a jailhouse
c. in an empty bed
d. at a crossroads at midnight
e. at the bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. on a golf course
b. at a gallery opening
c. at an Ivy League college
d. on a ski slope
e. at Neiman Marcus

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you earned a Doctorate
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

15. The Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. stale black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

18. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Ella
c. Big Mama
d. Bessie
e. River Dumpling

19. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. any two initials (preferably the same letter), such as B.B. or J.J.

20. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

21. If you're having trouble making your own Blues name, try this:
a. Name a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. Add the name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. Add the last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

22. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the blues.
, but I've spotted a flaw in it.

According to rule 21, "Narcoleptic Papaya Roosevelt" is a valid blues singer's name, and that just can't be right...


Anonymous said...

Not a blues name per se, but it might explain something about the origins of psychedelic rock.

Col. B. Bunny said...

Spending the night at La Quinta suites probably isn't a blues experience but passing out and waking up two days later in any motel probably is. Even if it's in Cleveland.

Any kind of motel experience probably is blues material.

"Bin bloggin' all night . . ." has possibilities.

CGHill said...

I'd mention the Rainbow Butt Monkeys (now Finger Eleven), but they're not really a blues band.