- Price of hot dogs went up to $29.95.
- Congress set all players' batting averages at .025.
- Balls hit out of the park now called "homeless runs".
- Massive influx of players named Rocko, Luigi, and Lefty.
- Nachos and sodas outlawed for not being "carbon-neutral".
- Teams will be disqualified for having any right-handed pitchers or batters.
- Any fans rooting for the home team will be ridiculed by commentators.
- National Anthem: out. Jeremiah Wright: in.
- Sensitivity training requires that "stolen" bases now be called "alternatively-acquired".
- Only fans in odd-numbered seats may stretch in the 7th inning. Fans in even-numbered seats must wait until the 8th.
- Fidel is finally drafted!
- Women allowed in both mens' and womens' restrooms. Men allowed to relieve themselves outside the stadium, after getting the necessary permits from the EPA.
- Strike zone expanded by 75 feet to the left.
- The next four World Series will be between the Cubs and White Sox. Each of these games will end in a tie.
- Rainchecks: out. Universal Ticket Coverage: in.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Obama at the All-Star Game
Obama threw the first pitch at the All-Star game tonight. Shortly after that:
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1)- Run rationing. No individual game may have more than seven runs, amassed by both teams.
2)- Long ball tax.
3)- Since it isn't 'fair', or equal, to some fans, foul balls hit into sections 11-13 behind the opposing teams' dugout will be considered 'home runs' and thus, also subject to the long ball tax.
finally,
4) Can you Say "Assisted Suicide Squeeze Play"?
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