Friday, May 27, 2016

Rules of Conduct

update 3 (2016): another bump in recognition of the Standardization Committee for Unified Management's success in driving off yet another qualified employee.

update 2 (2010): just bumping this because it's so stinking relevant right now...

update 1 (2009): welcome to those of you who are buried by dust or hated by qa :)

Pursuant to Directive 1D/0T of our Eight Epsilon quality prevention system, the Standardization Committee for Unified Management has determined that employees of the Company may be reprimanded for actions including (but not limited to) the following:
  • below-average performance, average performance, and/or above-average performance,
  • not following Instructions, and/or following Instructions,
  • not giving the customer what (s)he requested, and/or giving the customer what (s)he requested,
  • thinking inside the Box, thinking outside the Box, not thinking inside the Box, not thinking outside the Box, and/or thinking whatsoever on Company time,
  • failure to Suck Up.
As a material part of this Agreement, the employee agrees that any and all disputes, claims or controversies arising out of or relating to this Agreement shall be determined by final, binding, and possibly confidential, arbitration of the Standardization Committee for Unified Management. By agreeing to submit all disputes, claims and controversies to binding arbitration, the employee expressly waives its rights to have such matters heard by any sensible tribunal. Any award (ha!) or punishment shall be final, binding and conclusive upon the employee, including (but not limited to) the following:
  • forfeiture of all future wages or other compensation,
  • elimination of positive employment references,
  • blacklisting in all relevant professional organizations, and/or
  • general smugness accompanying all future Management dealings with employee.
At Eight Epsilon, our stated values are honesty, integrity, trust, and compassion. We strive to eliminate a positive atmosphere where teamwork, competence, pride, and mutual respect provide an opportunity for all employees to succeed.


(Disclaimer: The postings on this site are my own and couldn't possibly represent my employer's positions, strategies or opinions. The content on this blog is provided on an "as-is" basis. Neither the City of Hattiesburg nor any of its Hatless residents shall be held liable for any damages whatsoever arising out of the content or use of this blog. Contact your physician immediately if you develop convulsions, tinnitus, fever, vomiting, or a rash after reading this or any satirical post.)


The Local Malcontent said...

It's funny, because it's true-

Another brilliant composition, dear friend- one of your best.

Hatless in Hattiesburg said...

ok - actually i shouldn't complain too much about my job. in general it's very suited to my skills and temperament, and it's in a city that i like.

i thought of a funny way to describe what i do: "i rearrange electrons in the company's system an aesthetically pleasing way, and my company rearranges the electrons in my bank account in a financially beneficial way."

gregor said...

by Bast, I think I work there. I just got a promotion (I'm the only one left who can do the job, so I'm now the account manager...) and got a cut in pay, to boot.

Col. B. Bunny said...

Very clever. I once requested of my boss in fedgov to please not make me the co-chair of any project. Top dog or factotum only. He understood.

I had to laugh. I think there were bonuses all round for the IRS employees involved in subverting the various Tea Party groups.